"All That I Cannot Leave Behind"

i think the statement should be re-worded--all that i CAN leave behind, for that would make for a simpler, less meticulous reflection. time is the ultimate deception of what is real to me. sometimes years feel like months and days feel like centuries. since the last week of december i have been living below sea level (or close to)! and i gotta tell you, low altitudes have some strange effects on me! everything that has happened to me in the last 5 months of my life will not be discarded. i cannot simply up and walk away. (it's a blessing and a curse).
during this program i've laughed, i've cried, i've suffered, i've danced, i've been tempted, i've been weak, i've been complimented, i've been strong, i've travelled, and i've stayed behind. i've lost dignity, pride, and honor. i've gained experience, respect, and insight. all that is behind me is with me, like a marching band in the fesitval parade! what i cannot see now, i shall see when i leave. often that is the case. what you leave behind becomes most sorely missed, and what you take with you is often forgotten on an old attic box (it is taken for granted). afterall, you cannot clearly recognize the value of something until it is gone and you are not certain of ever getting it back. in that sence, i can leave everything behind. what happens in the netherlands, stays in the netherlands so that when i return someday i can appreciate the good things and have a stronger passion for them when i go. however, logically, experience tags along like a dog's tail. i couldn't possibly leave behind my experiences and my life lessons learned. what has influenced my personal convictions and what has impacted my life in some way or another will not be forgotten or left behind. i cannot escape the memories, i cannot take back the daily work-out peddling my bicycle to school. where these feet have taken me are worn into the thickness of the soles of my feet.

Otterloo -- reflection11

of small bikes and fowl mouths...
monumental art and fancy homes.

kees, you were right! klein fietsen zijn erg slecht! ik was heel moe na fietsen. haha! well anyways. it was really great to ride that child sized bike to the regular sized bike, snap the chain on the regular sized bike, walk back to the child sized bike, cycle to the second bike lot for a regular sized bike and continue on my endless journey to find the group back. of course i come to a fork in the road where i am not 100% sure which way to go next, so i decide it is safest that i ask for directions --and-- like any other 13-14 year old boy with a cigarette between his lips being asked for directions in his second language,( the one that i was hoping to get an answer from) turned me down with a few choice words...yet thankfully a nicer boy peddled up to me and ushered me in the right direction. (by the way, sorry for holding up the group!) side note: i think the idea behind community-shared bikes is a pretty nifty one; however, it has been brought to my attention that it most definitely would not work well in the long run (even if the cops had not gotten involved) because no one would really care to put the time and money into fixing them...lekke band, geen probleem, gebruik een andere witte fiets...het klinkt wel slecht met mij. not practical, though i do like the idea!

the sculpture garden was a site to see. it was nice to see something OUTSIDE and interacting with the natural environment. it really added to the character of the piece...and...that tree looked SO real! leuk.
van gogh's cafeterras bij nacht was iets ander dan ik heb het gedocht was. the paint was sooo much thicker than i had imagined it would be and the colors not as bright in some areas; though, i really took a liking to it in its true nature. internet photos and copies just don't capture the arts real beauty.

as for the Kruller Muller house, i especially liked the liabrary and the tea room-- the rising and the setting sun made of brick in the ceiling was wonderful. it was nice to see the outdoors. really beautiful landscape... and FAT duck that let us touch it. i think i could have a house where the walls were made only of brick. it would add a nice character to the room, perhaps. however, i am not a fan of glazes and colors. i like natural looks (aside from the rising and setting sun stones). i find it interesting how planned and designed berlage's buildings were. a place for a rug and a cabinet laid out already in the floor plan. quite a unique technique, i think.

blowing off some steam...

i've decided not to care about my grade any more in this class. if i get a c, if i get a b, if i get an a... they're all the same to me, because truly... all those are are opinions-- a letter (or number) that one man decided was suitable for my intellectual development.
i'm not going to change.
i'm not going to use capitalization because it is grammatically correct. i like lowecase letters. they're prettier and have a bit more character than those ugly, boxy uppercase letters... and this is a journal, not a report. i am not writing to the government, so why should i conform to institutional writing format?
i find that in this world, sometimes you are not allowed to be yourself. there is always a right way and a wrong way of doing things. i tend to like the wrong way_ grammar_ who needs it!? people understand me without the added commas, capital letters, and punctuation marks. if i write using street lingo, its just the same. people understand you and you're writing is not so fundamental... ok, so fundamentals are important to know (and to practice), but not to swear by. you can never be another person, but yourself. i will never be able to write a business letter. i am AWFUL at writing professional documents. i'm simply NOT organized. that doesn't mean that i cannot write for myself, or for others who enjoy my "rebellion" against professionalism.
sometimes i wonder, everyone says "strive for professionalism" ... well, what is "professional" really? is that yet another opinion?
i'm an art major, not a business woman (though i wouldnt mind becoming one)... my dad is a "professional" baker. well, who says?! i do. customers of our bakery do... he just bakes! it's not like people in japan need him. professional... hmmm... i am a professional... analytic, but not really because i neglect the organization ability of good analytics. what/who am i?
what is my profession?
what have i mastered?
i have nothing. i cannot think of ONE thing that i have masted. i cannot write well, i cannot theorize well, i cannot achieve high marks on school assignments, i cannot paint like rembrandt or draw like escher, i cannot make the olympics, i cannot sing, i cannot make music, i read slower than a kindergartener, i burn everything i try to cook.....the list goes on.....

ik vind blof een erg mooi muziek groep. de zangen "harder dan ik hebben kan" en "wat zou je doen" zijn echt leuk. ik wil nederlands zangen leren.

also, must say... it was SO weird to be back in an English speaking country for a weekend. i found myself still trying to ask questions in Dutch to the pedestrians. i know, i'm lame! and ireland is geweldig!

Den Haag/Scheveningen -- reflection10

tweede kamer -- what can i say? the conference room was ... well ... structured like a conference room. it was nice to hear the woman from the CDA speak about Dutch politics for a short while. she was born in surinam and grew up in both surinam and the netherlands so she had an open view and experience beneficial to the CDA -- why -- well now, country of minorities, its nice to have representatives with foreign experience in debate and discussions concerning the interests of the citizens of a mixed race, multi-cultural society. it was nice to know that not even she could truly identify the netherlands. i've been struggling with this whole identity thing a bit. i find it difficult even to identify America and that is my home. i cannot even identify ME!... so, the constitution best describes its countries identity. learn the constitution, learn the country! now, i do not even know the constitution/politics of my own country, so i do not expect myself to delve too carefully into the politics and constitution of the netherlands. im content learning day by day through citizens rather than text books!

the best part of our visit to parliament was the library. the chinese influence on the style really made this room exotic and lively. i found the library to be one of the most exciting parts of the trip. "dragon-like" stair case that leads to the second and third levels of the library... it was like we were standing in a hollywood film. this library felt a bit fairy tale with its design and stage-like qualities. beautiful room.


not one, not two, but three art museums in one day. i think i have the liberty to say that this was definitely a drag. as an art major, one who intends to get a degree in art history, this was too much for me in one day.

a weekend with the fam

paasvuren, sjoelen, disco, en chocolade vaginas... ken dat?

haha... het was een leuk weekend.

Westerbork -- reflection9

well... what can i say? this was nothing like what i expected to see. nothing seemed to be preserved. it was not at all tourist-like in the sense that we would be able to see the camp as it were. i felt like i was taking a stroll through a local park. the place was gezellig! trees, birds, wide-open spaces... it was a very peaceful area. sure there were the man-made stones that signified specific regions of the site where camp buildings and railroads once existed, but everything was gutted out and the place was renovated to look like man had not touched the land before. the nature was healthy and long-lived-looking. what a surprise, i must say.

before the german rule, this camp was a refugee camp. i find it pretty twisted, though, that they made this camp so much more of a paradise compared to the other camps that it was hardly believable that places such as auschwitz could contain gas chambers and mass-burials. the hospitality here would confuse anybody of the reality of camps beyond these walls. who could have guessed? with a hospital that cared sooo deliberately for its patients that it would not allow a pre-maturely born child to die, rather to live and be strong just to die un-naturally...i find this rather disturbing.

"we'll make you strong, and when you're good and ready, we'll work you to your death" appears to be the method behind this awful reality.

then again, if you shed light on the idea behind the camp, as it were, a refugee camp, there are reasons behind their care and attention for the prisoners.

the influence of the WWII in dutch society today...