thinking back...

when i arrived here 24 december, it was my second time in half a year stepping foot in the amsterdam airport, only this time... my first words were, "im home"
little did i know that "home" would be such a challenge. i remember culture shock setting up within the first week. i was sooo sick of dutch! i just wanted to hear my native tongue, if even for a short while. i was upset because i was staying with students in groningen, ALL of whom were a part of NSG and i felt like an extra wheel... where did i belong at home? i wasn't a member of NSG, i wasn't dutch (couldn't communicate with the others), i had no money and no game plan and was BORED outside of my mind. i was really starting to look forward to the other NSPICE students arrival. i just wanted something to do. i wanted people to hang out with! all i did was watch movies and play "board" games where i was staying. (ok, so we also went skating, played snoeker/pool, and i watched the NSG students perform for their music festival, but really, i didn't get out much).
*first year college, you're meeting new people all at the same time and USUALLY everyone speaks your language. in my case, i was the american girlfriend of one of the already befriended NSG members. i didn't feel well placed in their clique (club) because i was totally new to it, spoke little to no dutch, and was very much out of the loop. i like to belong to something, its a good feeling, being a part of a group*
anyways, 19 january FINALLY came around. i was upset because i was leaving my boyfriend, but anxious to finally have something to do.
the first two day with my new host family was amazing. we played darts (which i watched on tv a lot before moving to zwolle), and i settled into my bedroom just fine. then... monday, 22 January turned my life a 180...
i got drunk at my host bro's house and, even though i said no, his housemate kissed me. i told my boyfriend about the incident (which has happened before in our relationship) and he broke up with me. after a few days of uncertainty and excessive thinking, i suffered a panic attack which led to a series of unfortunate events. i was relocated, met with the police, spoke to the GH student pastor, and was on trial with the school for the choices that i made.
needless to say, during all this, my mind was far away from the netherlands and my learning experience and i cannot say anything about those weeks but that i puzzled over my losses 24/7 and spent most of my time phoning friends and trying to focus on my goals, STAY IN SCHOOL, STICK TO THE GAME PLAN of studying in the netherlands for the next 5 years of my life.
now that my sanity has safely returned (not that i am over my loss, but that i have found God and have been praying daily for His guidance) i feel compelled to write again as i would had this whole mess not happened. so... as for reflection one, i prefer to keep THOSE reflections private for what i already shared, i feel, already says enough.