a wondering mind...

family and friends
it's nice to have the family visiting because they notice things i forget to notice. bicycle lanes on the streets, traffic lights for pedestrians and bicyclists, birds (especially the ones that dive under the water and stay below the water for a long period of time), "dutch strolling" (a peculiar walk with hands clasped behind them), public transportation, soda bottles, forks for fries, etc. the list goes on.
i met some of my cousins this weekend. janbart and bienke are about my age. they seem to be really cool. the relatives were fun! im envious of dutch wit.
question of the day
why is it that sometimes im really pumped to meet new people and sometimes am really pumped to be out with friends yet lately, have been distancing myself from all human interaction? i've been anti-friends, anti-relationships, anti-people, even anti-God. i don't want to hurt anymore. perhaps, i am just hiding--but i think not. i think i really just don't want to be a part of anything earthly because it does not last.
either that or i am too impatient--or afraid.
however, if i continue to obsess over these things, in the future, i will wonder why i spent so much of my time in europe obsessing over feelings, pain, and relationships. damn--i get used to asking the wrong questions--how long is too long (in accordance to grieving)--how far is too far(in accordance to breaking trust)--all of these things depend on the persons involved. there are limits, but you won't know them until you reach them. perhaps i've reached the too far limit in my relationship with jan (perhaps not). i still do not feel 100% ok with forgetting about him. i still love him and grieve over my loss. it's been nearly 2 months and it still hurts.
mental illnesses
i am suffering from a mental illness, that is what they say to me. they say i need counselling. they say that i cannot do this alone and they are afraid for me. well, maybe they should stop making things so damned confusing. is it really a mental illness that i suffer from, or is it who i am? i think i am suffering from myself. i love thinking. i love writing. i've become consumed by these activities and sometimes they cause me to feel unhappy, but often, i create marvelous philosophies and i feel good about them (sometimes). often, i feel under-accomplished. i want to write more, i want to learn more about the topic i am writing on. i want to make a map and draw a picture to explain it. i want to develop my theories! but then again, i do not want to praise them so much because i do not feel that confident about them. they are my masterpieces. conversationally, i cannot show you how my mind works. give me time and a paper, and you'll soon find out there is a lot more to me than what meets the eye.
so i ask again, is it really a mental illness that i suffer from, or is it myself? not fully understanding myself or why i feel the way i do about certain things. i should start defending me, for the longer i defend myself, the stronger i myself will become.
i like crying. since i quit cutting, ive forced myself to cry more. my dad would not approve.
reality
define real. real is what you make it. not everyone believes God is reality. define real. what happens is real. it is real because it happened/happens/will happen. what is real for me?
i am in the netherlands. i am thinking about home. i think i am home sick. i miss my freedom. i miss "the easy way out". i know how to work the system in the States. i know how to be myself. here, i am defining who i am and getting nowhere fast.
sometimes i think about things my mother thinks about: suicide, punching windows in anger, etc. sometimes i think of these things and then i rationalize with myself. reality is that i am not ok with things. i'm pretending to be ok, but i am not ok.
i need to escape from this burden jan bestows upon me. i need it all or nothing at all.
i need my freedom back.